michelle-fun • blogspot • com

love, part 9202

2011-11-17T23:02:00.003+08:00

we maybe stopped a hundred times before

looking in the shaded sky the sinking moon

smelling in the air a brew of dirt and dew

listening in puddles the patter of a dying drizzle

we maybe got to the hundred and first

feeling in the breeze dust on our faces

when i thought it made sense to trade

my withered band of grass with one of some ore.

it could have been- any

2011-09-21T17:25:00.000+08:00

it could have been- any
one, three, boy or many
but your eyes in the gloom
of the half-lit room
they softly said to me

that it with the blonded crown
hiding under a tainted gown
a bump, a sore, a painted hip
hissing love through a swollen lip
was the else that was me previously

in some kind of tragic
i thought was masochistic
to appreciate the poetry
that i had much rather be
the one, the three, the boy or the many.

love, part 667

2011-09-15T23:31:00.000+08:00

it's a certain smell
that makes me think of you
it's a mixture of shampoo
and air freshener
of rain before dawn
and cigarettes in water
of freshly dried clothes
and damp earth
of rusting metal
and overheated computer parts
i wouldnt call it pleasant or nasty
be it the smell or the memory
i do not remember what i was
when i knew somebody like you.

love, part 3

2011-01-10T01:35:00.000+08:00

think the broken dryer did it
was it the dreaded whir that couldnt get it started
was it because nothing seemed to work that day
our laughter filled the cold air
the others must have heard
you'd get stuff like that you said
i shrugged, held your hand quiet
we havent always been like that
you pulled me down the steps
skipped past the band to the bench
smiling silly to yourself
was it the night that was only beginning
was it my hand in yours
i thought i'd kill to keep you safe
i thought, we havent always been like that.

love, part 28

2010-11-19T01:05:00.000+08:00

the night was a dull red
yellowed leaves were falling down
the orange street light and
on the road like fireflies i said
like souls into a fiery pit you said
i couldnt think of anything
but how the lights made paths in the cool air
and how they looked like fur balls when i squinted my eyes
how much oranger they were compared to halogen bulbs
how they lit up the side of your face i couldnt see
how i wouldnt mind living in the shadows
if i had you to tell me what the light was like.

love, part 673

2010-11-10T03:16:00.000+08:00

my hands clutched against my knees
i stutter, crack bad jokes, sit awkwardly
i never let a moment of silence pass
cautious not to be uncool, i think you think i am
trying a little too hard to be that
girl you saw strut past the plaza
but now we sit in silence
and you think i'm boring
but i'm not at all
i'm not at all

so i try a little harder
to show you i'm not
not that into you.

2010-09-14T00:28:00.000+08:00

so this is what it feels like, to know so well what wasn't there was. to see so clearly, feel so strongly, the voices in the day are playing in my pillow but no, i doubt they are. no, my senses they fail me. no, there is no courtyard if i climbed through the ceiling, though you'd wish there was. what wasn't there, i would swear now, was.

so this is what it feels like.

till i forget

2010-09-12T00:03:00.000+08:00

take me out in a boat
maybe i'll miss this life
but it wouldnt be for long.

love, part 892

2010-09-10T01:00:00.000+08:00

but when i thought of you that day, there was a twist in my stomach and a tear in my eye. the trees were running so fast by my ears but all i heard was your voice, spitting out terrible terrible words. i hate you so much, and this immense feeling that rung throughout my body felt just like love.

2010-08-12T02:46:00.000+08:00

you
i wonder how such heavy words
come out of your mouth like cotton
me
i thought you'd see it in my eyes.

love, part 27

2010-05-23T03:29:00.001+08:00

what was it, the way your hair was parted
the way the buttons on your shirt were odd
or the way you turned away when i looked over
that made me want to stay in over weekends
take long walks or bus rides to nowhere
draw a menu for a picnic for two

it's good weather for love
if i had time to kill.

love, part 9

2010-04-07T04:28:00.002+08:00

i almost forgot what it felt like
treading through puddles on a morning after the rain

you talked about wellingtons and raincoats
while i squatted and listened to vehicles thundering by
remembered how rain ran down my window one stormy night
felt, beneath my toes, the wet rug in the flooded corridor
imagined the smell of toast and eggs to fill my stomach

you were talking about wellingtons and raincoats
your shoes were a speckled dark brown and mustard
your flannel shirt hung tiny crystal beads of rain
your face was a tinted blue from the gloom of the day
but your hands looked warm

so i think i said something about william's wish wellingtons
and i think you said it was silly.

2010-03-26T01:57:00.000+08:00

that's right
if we stopped to feel
we wouldn't worry about the future
we wouldn't know that moments pass
we wouldn't grieve over thinning happiness
we wouldn't fear
loss.

that's right
if we stopped to feel
we would've had just
a little more than a vague concept
of having.

love, part 4235

2010-02-28T12:24:00.002+08:00

i climbed down the tower

picked up the lunch boxes

you jumped off the monkey bar

pulled your jacket over my head

we crawled in the cylinder slide

curled up like foxes in a hole

laughed at long john silver's

soggy from rainwater

laughed at ourselves

squatting, breaking our necks

laughed at the world

cold, cold and alone.

2010-01-20T14:55:00.004+08:00

they say forgive

and i forgive

they say forgive

and i forgive

they say forgive

you broke my heart

it had never been broken

but all i want to do

with whatever left

is protect yours.

love, part 43443

2009-12-30T23:32:00.003+08:00

maybe if you were romeo

you'd have climbed up to my window

maybe if i were rapunzel

i'd have let down my hair

my imaginary friend

you stood in the street light

waiting

to realise

but i drew the curtain

turned out the house light

saw you disappearing

into the night

for the last time

how i wanted you to realise.

love, part 938

2009-12-11T01:28:00.004+08:00

that day

my heart ran to greet you when i saw you in the distance

i threw my arms around you and said "nice to see you mister"

you ruffled my hair and put your cap on my head

"where to, m'lady?"

"same old, same old, to the fields, sir"

"the fields! not again! a little time for a drink, at least?"

"a drink, well..."

"put that watch down, i'll get you to the fields on time"

that day

my heart ran to greet you when i saw you in the distance

but i swerved down the aisle, up the escalator and out the building.

love, part 5803

2009-12-08T00:44:00.003+08:00

we sit, me, you and my father's rusty ibanez

me, you and my father's rusty ibanez

and though the words and songs you say and sing

could be said and sung to anybody else

i won't say anything at all.

love, part 76

2009-11-23T02:05:00.003+08:00

"see that? pleaides is out tonight."

"oh? but i dont see it."

"over there, see?"

"goodness i'm just staring at black."

"oh, and that's mercury."

"i see it! that's mercury?"

"no, it's a satellite. you cant see mercury from here."

"oh look, the star of david!"

i guess it was then you sensed my disinterest,

and took the hint to talk about something else.

"yes, and to it's right you see ringo starr."

"amazing!"

love, part 239

2009-11-16T14:24:00.002+08:00

come on, i said

you sure? you said

of course, i said, i've been here so many times

- but all those times, i went alone

the ground was wet, the air was cold but

from where we were there was nothing you couldnt see

i sat on my shoes, pulled out a whiskey

you leaned over the railing, lit a cigarette

like we were on a hot air balloon

or the crow's nest of a pirate ship

we were on the lookout

for some meaning in the sky.

love, part 31245

2009-11-12T01:40:00.002+08:00

you pretended to be sleeping

you knew i was watching

i guess i didnt care

maybe you thought i was yours

i forgot my dreams

and felt like the world was ours.

love, part 857430

2009-11-01T01:46:00.004+08:00

we sat on steps by the convenient store

half drenched in the rain, half shaking

and you said

you must be feeling cold

here, take a red

in those words.

2009-10-23T23:56:00.003+08:00

what,

thought i'd fold you paper hearts

prepare lunch boxes for you

wait by the phone for your call

carve your name on bus seats

draw doodles of us holding hands

write you a love song?

don't flatter yourself, sweetheart
head over heels is so last season.

this paper proves.

2009-10-09T01:16:00.000+08:00

go dream your theories. when you die your body will swell up, your skin will split apart, curl up, fluid will ooze out your pores, maggots out your veins. go tell yourself bible school conditioned you to fear hell. go on, think. think your theses. thought wont find you comfort, when you inhale flames and exhale blood.

so, why the paranoia?

2009-09-25T01:26:00.002+08:00

don't blame your lack of personality on my lack of interest.

2009-09-18T01:13:00.002+08:00

what i meant was

a pound of flesh.
if you'd slice apart the skin covering your chest
tear up the muscle running beneath it
pull out a couple of ribs
and if you pass out
i promise i'll rip it out quickly

what i meant was
a pound of flesh.

2009-09-12T16:05:00.002+08:00

after breakfast, after classes, after assignments, after meetings, after birthday celebrations, after sleep debts, after pay checks, after haircuts, after family dinners, after hospital visits, after readings, after interviews, after appointments, appointments, appointments.

and just before breakfast, let me take a good look at y-
after i take a shower.

2009-08-26T01:11:00.001+08:00

but i wait.
waiting for you's nice, like
there is no doubt in my mind.

trolleys

2009-08-17T01:16:00.009+08:00

"grapefruit!"
"i don't know why you eat that stuff."
"it's yummy, and good for you too."
"i'll get the bananas."

"eggs and bread?"
"and bacon too."
"get some turkey ham for me?"
"but of course."

"butter."
"no, margarine's healthier."
"butter tastes better. and it's not all that bad for you!"
"fine, you win."

"apple juice."
"orange."
"we can mix!"
"are you serious?"
"i'm saying we should get both."
"you're right."

"we should get tea, we're running out."
"and sugar."
"some biscuits."
"oh, and beer. ben and i finished it on football night."
"get a few coronas for me?"
"a few coronas for you."
"i'll go back and get the limes."
"i'll meet you at the checkout."

oh, what ever could be lovelier than grocery shopping.

2009-07-30T00:52:00.002+08:00

it shouldnt be this difficult.
it shouldnt be this difficult.
it shouldnt be this difficult.
it shouldnt be this difficult.

it shouldnt be this difficult.
and so it's not, it's not.

on pearly gates

2009-07-16T17:12:00.002+08:00

knock-knock
hi michelle, you've got 113,4368 strands of hair on your head, that's exactly 41135 less than the mean.
gee, thanks. may i come in?
okay i'll let you in, if you worship me.
what?
yeah, acknowledge i'm the best and you know, sing your thanks. on your knees and stuff.
why?
because i know you inside out. i made you!
i said thanks.
that's not going to cut it.
thank you?
nope.
you're the best, thank you. why don't you let me in so i can give you a great big hug for all you've done for me?
you're being sarcastic.
what can you possibly gain from all this worshipping and thanks anyway? do you need a pat on the shoulder and a well done post-it?
i don't need anything.
yeah you don't. i however, in my limited being, need you to let me in so i wont freeze out here.
you just have to worship me!
can't you see i'm on my knees?
but it's only because you want to get in! i suggest you go downstairs, their doors are always open.

2009-07-16T12:34:00.003+08:00

hello, t.

i planted the seed you gave me in the spare room by the corridor. i shut the door and locked it up so we'd forget, but it just keeps growing. it has outgrown the ceramic it was placed in, crawled up the walls and hangs thick from the ceiling. a musky, foul odour drifts through the corridor into our bedrooms from where it resides; yes, i'd call it swampy. it keeps me up at night, and unlike my neighbours, i never seem to get used to it. i think it's waiting for you. oh, how she has grown.

i know which institutions you attend, who you work for, what jobs you hold, where you've been living, what you've been up to. i don't know what your god teaches you but i hope you know liars burn in hell. before that i hope you die really, really slowly. and painfully. this curse you put on this household i'd return to you, gladly, in exchange for my access through the pearly gates, if i had one.

love, m.

2009-06-22T01:34:00.000+08:00

and i think of you when the leaves are brown
i think of leaves that i have felt against my body on the ground
i think of places where we could go to now until they find us
'til they catch us, 'til they wake us and we drown
until I know where i am
i'm in a garden of remembering your fingers in my hand
were like a book made of sand
was like the book that i was reading
was like the book that i had with me all the time
to tell me i was breathing

emmy the great - two steps forward

2009-06-01T00:47:00.000+08:00

again
and again
till we stand
tall
like cathedrals
love you
always
all ways

goodnight
my constant

goodnight.

2009-05-22T13:48:00.002+08:00

my apple carrot juice this morning had a hint of celery in it,

and it made me think of you.

2009-04-05T13:34:00.004+08:00

hello sunshine
come into my life
hello sunshine
come into my life

in honesty
it's been a while
since we had reason left to smile
hello sunshine
come into my life

super furry animals "hello sunshine"

2009-02-11T00:54:00.020+08:00

familiar trees
i flew by you today
considered stopping, cartwheeling over
to the number eight and one, or was it six?
draw a circle with a piece of chalk
and lay from my pocket, a lock of your hair
on the ground, as i wait

i'd twist my hair up, let a few strands loose
so you could brush it from my face
toss my sweater so you'd offer me yours
it's freezing i'd say, and dance around a little
then you'd hold me
maybe you'd hold me

it's good to see you in the day, i'd say
your teeth dont look as sharp, vlad
on icy nights your breath felt colder
but on this chilly day your smile is the sun
maybe i'd tiptoe to reach you
shiver a little so you'd hold me closer

pretty numbers reflect brilliant silver
of two loops, an upright line with a head
i'd say it's nodding, or closing its eyes
a rounded R here, C there, O in frosty pearl
on office green metal, maybe a shade paler
chalk on my fingers, i rub my palms together

the air turns to wind i sprint away
a cloud of dust, my escape plan you'd never guess
made of chalk, where's my mirror now?
i wouldnt want my eyeballs to turn to salt
you probably stood there, never gave chase
wondered what scent of perfume i wore

raindrops on rooftops splatter like cracks of thunder
what sunshine these feathers collected
fall into the street now a dull, hard white
plummet through highways into underground oceans
handstands, somersaults, skippity-skips, a javelin throw
i'd land safely this time, on my windowsill.

2008-12-27T18:47:00.000+08:00

if all i write i've thought about by looking at the sky
then there must be another or a few hundred others
that have seen and thought and written
then why should i write like i discover clouds
might i be wasting time thinking and writing?
because in real fact, i might, and i might as well quote
but in real fact, i don't know great names to credit
and in real fact, i don't read enough to spout theories
i don't even know the meaning of superfluous
so i describe the clouds from my window
and satiate my ego, embrace and live my discoveries
and i am glad.

2008-10-16T19:19:00.006+08:00

we dont laugh out loud when we joke
we dont ask about a special other
you'd hold doors for me, clear paths for me
i'd curtsy, tilt my head sidewards slightly
we sit side by side, we mind our distance
we sit at opposites, we dont stare too much
we dont share many interests
we dont get on each others nerves
so on a rainy day when the streets are crowded
and we've got nothing to do but wait in a shelter

may i hold your hand?
i feel something's slipping away from me
i just dont know what.

2008-10-04T15:55:00.009+08:00

self indulgence
i saw a man, lying on the ground he said to me
help me, i've fallen and i cant get up
why cant you get up, i asked
he remained quiet, then said over and over
help me, i'm fallen and i cant get up
he didnt fall off crutches or a wheelchair
i wondered how he got there in the first place
i put his arm around my shoulder, it was heavy
as if he had no strength at all, so i said
push yourself up, i'm having a hard time
he said nothing, he lay heavy on the ground
and on my shoulders, he wailed
help me, i'm fallen and i cant get up
would you carry me, he asked
how did you get here, i asked
i walked here, he replied, but i've grown weary
weary of carrying my own weight
would you carry me along, he asked
i tried hard, i must have dragged him a few yards
i cant do it, i said, i'd sit with you awhile
but i'll have to go soon, i have places to go
he remained silent and sobbed a little and after a while
i got up, dusted myself and said, goodbye, friend
i started to walk and i heard from behind me
help me, he groaned, i'm fallen and i cant get up.

2008-10-01T00:04:00.002+08:00

i flee, but i cant quit you.

2008-09-26T17:37:00.003+08:00

the writer's table
since i only write when i fill out forms or take exams, i wonder why i have a table, and a whole shoebox of stationery. traditionally, this would be the writer's bench, the sort of picture that would go under the header 'the editor' in a magazine, the one overflowing with piles of books and paper balls. i guess then i'm the typer, the typer on her laptop, in her bed. everything happens in bed.

2008-09-24T01:02:00.006+08:00

as of now
as of now my mother reads
whispering the words to herself so she can follow
the lines of the book amidst the screaming
whats that mumbling, i think to myself
a running tap, the tv left turned on?
i open my bedroom door to investigate
in her hands, i swear they were trembling slightly
a book i've seen lying on the ground next to her bed
the power of a praying parent, never took note by who
she mouths the words fervently, ignores my presence
you know all that reading's not gonna -, i say
i shall not share my atheist thoughts tonight
not when i see my mother so desperate for a miracle.

2008-09-18T21:58:00.003+08:00

my man
my man dont do the dishes, dont hang out the laundry
he dont sweep the floor, dont boil water for coffee
my man got a box of tools, he fixes the air conditioner
he replaces light bulbs, assembles the furniture
tunes up the telly, oils the creaky hinges
and polishes the windows, only from the outside.

my man dont press his suits, dont fix fallen buttons
he dont prepare juice for breakfast, dont tie his ties
my man shines his shoes, he matches his socks
he styles his hair, wears a little too much cologne
keeps his fingernails short, his shirts plain
and fixes his ride himself, because he knows how to.

my man aint like other boys today
he dont wear coloured frames for glasses
he dont flip flop around in flip flops
or wear black too often like boys today
all they got is a job, a cellphone with digits
to dial-a-service-guy when they need a fix-it.

2008-09-16T02:56:00.002+08:00

i'd wear your black eyes
bake you apple pies
i wont ask why.

2008-09-10T21:06:00.001+08:00

"i ate an apple last night."
"are you sure?"
"of course i'm sure. its so simple to be sure."
"i'm sure you didnt eat up the core too. show it to me."

before that, i'd like my suicide to haunt you for life
and fuck the core, i ate it too.

2008-08-24T16:17:00.003+08:00

pitter patter shut that chatter
pitter patter i wont listen
pitter patter you're knife i'm spoon
pitter patter for the same thing
pitter patter not each other
pitter patter its cold you're warm
pitter patter shut that chatter.

2008-08-14T01:45:00.007+08:00

how will you die tonight?
free fall, incisions, overdose or the noose
or keep living, its so much more pleasurable to watch you
squirm, shiver and churn in the prison you've put yourself in.
he speaks to me and tricks me with words of hate
his foul breath fills the air
but i hold my breath and choke in self consolation.

2008-08-12T02:14:00.006+08:00

its not me its not me you say
not my style not my thoughts not my life
but you take it so well you live it so gracefully
so what is it you are?
that glass-eyed girl in her world of words?
time has turned you into a beauty
of addiction and lies and a crimson dress
even times you do not know the lines
to play the part but you smile and with concealor
make up for your religiosity or what ever world
no one can touch you glass-eyed girl
words have expired thoughts have died
i have made you a heart of stone
you will find no comfort in this world
shut that screaming for who you are
put out that dreaming for a saviour
only the ones that make your heart harder
will come and they will never leave you
my bride of blisters black and bleakness
they will never leave you so come
come to me.

2008-08-07T00:55:00.006+08:00

fashion of the season, shadows dark and bold, hair in every style
you find in pages of magazines, or issues to come
she looks a celebrity, walks a strut, talks an accent
attractive, charming, alluring, flaunting it all like a natural

she smiles, not embarrassed by the attention she gets
but with a slight wink, as if knowing, as if encouraging
my intentions as i sweep my gaze across, around, almost through her
she teases me with conversation, torments me with a turtleneck

and she smiles, not in encouragement but with a raised brow
a slight smirk, as if knowing, telling me i try too hard
as i lay before her my cards and crew and cars and chips
i cannot move her, she twirls in her hair my pride

she laughs but she sees right through me
her lips curl upwards but her arms intertwine
in her size 5 heels she tramples on my ego
like a queen of ice she keeps me on a leash

but the mere mention of a name
like kryptonite to her cold heart
why cant that name belong to me.

2008-07-27T02:59:00.003+08:00

the dance before the kill
if you dance well i'd bare my neck for a slice
but you've got two left feet sweetheart
i see the knife in your pocket as you bow to take my hand.

2008-07-26T23:54:00.000+08:00

a good hearted man
all the good things you say
and the good intent you wear on your sleeve
a good heart, i'm mesmerised

what of the crimes you've filled your arm with
steals, sells, sweat, sins
you reek of evil, but i hold my breath

and leap into the darkness
of your good heart.

2008-07-21T01:24:00.006+08:00

what do you want to do?
i want to sell turds.

why?
my grandpa sold turds, my dad sold turds, so i sell turds.

how are they priced?
its cost price is higher than its selling price, but i have to sell them.

how do you sell them?
i sponsor, package, store and sell them.

alone?
no, i have marketeers, product designers and other professionals.

what's in for them and yourself?
nothing, we sell turds because the people before us sold turds.

i dont know your damn forefathers, i dont even know you.
fuck your turds you wasted my time.

2008-07-04T02:49:00.005+08:00

strangers in love
sharing moments not knowing your name
sharing space not knowing your habits
we greet each other not with sight but with touch
we love each other not with heart but with eyes
hanging by a string your stories before alibis
hanging on the edges of ironwork and rosewood
just to fill the holes in between her fingers
just to feel her breath on your chest.

2008-06-28T03:38:00.002+08:00

it's okay we're falling apart. we'll stay this way
your life, my lives, and love, down that dark alley
and our lives, in the sun where flowers appear
the time it takes, the time it takes to let go
it starts and stops and starts and stops again
so while you watch the flowers bloom in two dimensions
i'll gaze into the sun and down the dark alleys of my many
other lives.

my hands are shaking from carrying this torch for you
my lips are bleeding from kissing you goodbye every night
my sheets are tearing from sleeping in too late with you.

2008-06-25T17:48:00.002+08:00

cocorosie
tekno love song

i fell in love with a bad bad man
ever since i met him i've been sad sad sad
i'm a jailbird to your music
a criminal in your prayer
i watch you when you sleep
even when you're not there

rainbows wept colour all over the street
when you went away maybe one day we'll meet
lipstick i'd wear for one million years
just to stop your eyes from falling down tears

maybe one day
we'll meet.

2008-06-21T23:28:00.005+08:00

kimya dawson
so nice so smart

i was quiet as a mouse
when i snuck into your house
and took roofies with your spouse
in a nit and out a louse
lice are lousy all the time
they suck your blood, drink your wine
say shut up and quit your crying
give it time and you'll be fine

i like boys with strong convictions
and convicts with perfect diction
underdogs with good intentions
amputees with stamp collections
plywood skinboards ride the ocean
salty noses suntan lotion
always seriously joking
and rambunctiously soft-spoken
i like boys that like their mothers
and i have a thing for brothers
but they always wait till we're under the covers
to say i'm sure glad we're not lovers

you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
i'll tell you that I love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart.

2008-06-19T06:13:00.003+08:00

seriously, if you aren't feeling peachy about looking at my life through that spyglass, go change your life why don't you. you sit in your rocking chairs talking about the lives of others, the lives of others where your existence is much so the appendix to the body. in your wobbly rocking chairs you snort and snigger and grumble and complain about the lives you despise, the lives that you're too afraid to experience, and out here it's just peachy!

2008-05-30T04:08:00.004+08:00

just
right
here.

right
now.

no deadlines, no hopes, no questions
no commitment, no obligation, no pity
no good, no evil, no one, no time
when was the last time you had nothing on your mind?

the room's not too messy, it's not too warm
the sun is rising, it's not too bright
the smell of the morning, not pleasant nor unpleasant
everything's not too, maybe a little less than noticeable
nothing to love or hate about it, i'm just taking it all in.

2008-05-08T03:23:00.002+08:00

we stand, arms stretched, hand in hand, faces to the sun, the grass tickling our knees in the breeze. put down that bottle, we'll forget our aches and cares, and relive innocence.

2008-04-20T05:36:00.005+08:00

i have decided that i have an impairment. a disability, that keeps me from enjoying life. this, handicap, it helps me to feel sorry for myself and feeds me false belief. belief that everybody should worship me, and everybody owes me a living. this condition causes a nagging need, like migraine, to be appreciated and loved, to be happy, to be appeased. the reason for my depression is, the failure to see how enjoyable my life can be. i have decided to call this form of dissatisfaction, narcissism.

the air is still, and the smell of my own body sickens me. so i give myself a slap and start running. if the land does not send the winds i will create my own, so even if time stands still i will find new places of comfort, for this heart with this nag. this, petty self-diagnosed i-totally-believe-i-got-it depression.

2008-04-16T03:45:00.010+08:00

michelle explores architecture.

2008-04-13T22:19:00.003+08:00

gloomy sunday.
what's this gloom overhead i cant breathe under it. what's this engulfing sadness i feel i'm in flames and starting to enjoying it. what's this built up tension; i need to open a portal to purge it. what's this restlessness, this hatred, this sickness, this madness, i feel i've been digging for something, but i've given up and i cant get out of this hole. maybe it's the stress, maybe the loneliness, maybe the alcohol. i'll let the wind take this disease off me.

2008-04-11T05:51:00.006+08:00

between spheres and isosceles triangles

how is the view from up there? where does the valley lead to? how far do these lands stretch? of what we explore in weeks, you can draw a map in a day. careful now, you dont want to fall off that edge, you've spent a lifetime getting up there.

up there the harsh sunshine puts cracks in the ground, the merciless rain falls hard on your thin coats, the violent winds send trembles in your little hearts. down here we find shade in the cliffs you build, we crawl into the caves in stormy weather, we build fires where the cold does not blow.

do not be afraid to come down. the ground here is dark, but it makes a comfortable place to lie down. sure, you see more up there, the lives of others, the love, hate, sorrow, disappointment, woes, and down here you live them. no more speculation, no more hypothetics, no more judgment, just honesty. honesty, and facing your fears. so what if you've conquered the cliff? you feel like god up there, but your people do not gaze up at you, and those who do are just eyeing your spot.

because you may topple over anytime; when you do you fall hard, but me, gravity just slides by me.

2008-04-07T03:10:00.003+08:00

life in the past decade
that we should cross paths and fall into each others' eyes:
www.profiles.friendster.com/509859876
moments lost, reminders to their existence burnt on film:
DSC01284, DSC01285, DSC01287
this note i keep in my pocket, the words in it i bury in my heart:
Message Details-- Received: 08-Aug-2007, 20:53

life is so much less poetic, now that our memories are digital.

2008-04-05T23:10:00.003+08:00

insomnia.
since i dont sleep till the birds call these days, i decided
i should catch some morning sun with my camera phone
ta-dah, from illustration to image capture my blog's new look:
the view from my room, with a little photoshop :)

2008-03-22T07:58:00.003+08:00

no love for me, thank you.
why does happiness pass me by?
that is not true. i pass by happiness, and i do not stop.
future or filler, i won't be stopping
for bands, or aprons, or banquet, or money
or house with a mailbox and a picket fence
not a mr right with pearly whites and plans for old age
maybe that along the way, a friend not a lover
as lost, as passionate, as restless, without answers
to slow down, catch up, and keep running
with me, with you, for what it means to be human
for a peace to our raging minds, and as for now
you can weave me a band of grass while i fold you a paper crane.

2008-03-13T17:11:00.002+08:00

you, clad in your tiny halter midriff, slitted miniskirt, complete with matching panties that tease prying eyes when you stand erect, call the turning heads lecherous.

2008-03-06T04:26:00.002+08:00

my constant, my peace, my light, my tower.
when you crumble my world comes falling.
but when we crash, we find the pieces to keep going.
again and again till we stand tall like cathedrals.
love you, always, all ways.

2008-03-02T05:34:00.003+08:00

"so painful a decision"
"sacrifice i cannot live with"
"do you feel the pain?"
no, so i'm safe.

2008-02-24T06:01:00.003+08:00

the love i loved i killed. a tear in your paralyzed eyes, cold on my face, choked words i've heard all along, and these words they will stay with me always, and these words will be my only company. them and this bloody knife.

2008-02-24T05:52:00.005+08:00

sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
your face it's all wet 'cause our days were rough
so do what you must do to fill that hole
wear another shoe to comfort the soul
those times that i was broke, and you stood strong
i think i found a place where i feel i will

goodbye, the beauty of my life. the light at the end of the tunnel. the yellow bird i caught and set free. the gleam in my eyes. the warmth in my heart. the castle in my dreams.

2008-02-23T01:46:00.005+08:00

i hold a glass, i dont taste the alcohol in it anymore. i lie back and let the music pound in my head, any other time this play list would be unbearable. its dark, lights to the beat, people everywhere, i would shake my head but now i find the flirting entertaining. a million thoughts run through my head, a thousand people and hundreds of past conversations, i take a deep breath, of air conditioning and cigarettes.

this kind of numbness, you dont find anywhere else but in the couch of some random club. the party in my head.

2008-02-19T01:58:00.003+08:00

it is difficult to explain, what i feel right now. if i could sum it up i'd say, pleasure. the sound of you laughing at my foolishness, the sight of you shifting your gaze, the touch of you begging to be kicked again, the taste of you heaving for a kiss, the smell of you tossing a coin. my heart, is dead, outlived, starved, burst, all to my intention, to my will, just to feel its afterlife. heaven is for the good, hell the bad, the world the self righteous. tilt your head back, breathe in, roll your eyes back, enjoy the scream, the blinding, the burn, the choke, the poison. i've never been happier.

2008-02-18T00:16:00.006+08:00

you wouldnt think of me, you wouldnt know my name
the next time they ask about the scars i gave you
but i didnt tie bows or knots with the piece you left
i folded it up neatly and kept it in my pocket
the creases, the stains, the vague memory
i woke yesterday to find the ribbon was not
it was a blade you didnt give, but plunged into me
and i should know better, than have my mind accustomed to you
you dont fill some emptiness, you're an accessory
one i'd like to own and i, am part of your collection
i have none, but a rusty blade and a fucking note
but no, they are mere parts of mine too, you are
no different or even what's that, special?
i know you know how it is, you'd pack and scoot
just like i know how, with boys like you.

just a call from you, my diabolus ex machina.

2008-02-16T23:40:00.003+08:00

when you're in a bubble
when you're in a bubble, the world is of rainbows
rims of pinks, blues, greens and yellows
the muffles of the world outside dont bother
in your bubble, no where could be better

floating higher, higher, the bubble starts to thin
midair it breaks into a tiny mist of rain
floating lower, lower, reality hits the bubble
its dome bursts apart, is left in a puddle

bubbles aged, drops you falling
bubbles killed, leaves you hanging.

2008-01-25T02:26:00.000+08:00

i know the things you say about me, i dont care if you mean it. i refuse to be a shadow, or a lingering spirit, or a replacement for the times when the best isnt around. i'm better off alone and you, truthful. so goodbye, there may be more like myself, but i'm off the record.

2008-01-14T19:49:00.000+08:00

i picked you out
of a crowd and talked to you
said i liked your shoes
you said, thanks can i follow you?

so it's up the stairs
and out of view, no prying eyes
i poured some wine
i asked your name, you asked the time

now it's two o'clock
the club is closed, we’re up the block
your hands are on me,
pressing hard against your jeans

your tongue in my mouth
trying to keep the words from coming out
you didn't care to know
who else may have been you before

i want a lover i don't have to love
i want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
where's the kid with the chemicals
i thought he said to meet him here but i'm not sure
i've got the money if you've got the time
you said, it feels good
i said, i'll give it a try

then my mind went dark
we both forgot where your car was parked
let's just take the train
i'll meet up with the band in the morning

bad actors, with bad habits
some sad singers, they just play tragic
and the phone's ringing
and the van's leaving
let's just keep touching
let's just keep singing

i want a lover i don't have to love
i want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
where's the kid with the chemicals
i got a hunger and i can't seem to get full
i need some meaning i can memorize
the kind i have always seems to slip my mind

but you, you write such pretty words
but life's no storybook
love's an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt
do you like to hurt?
i do, then hurt me
then hurt me.

2008-01-13T23:19:00.001+08:00

once you start blogging, never stop. strangers may read it, friends might know it, weird people can stalk it, but once you stop blogging, the words have a way of eating you from inside and burning through your skin like paper. you know you cant hide it, and you spread this disease to the people around you. burn, burn, people start to hate you for this constant state of anger and sadness you're in. your dwelling in these demons they make you selfish and unpleasant, and rob you of love, self-awareness and happiness. so go on, blog it, and shut up about how much your life sucks.

2008-01-10T23:46:00.001+08:00

so what if i give up my bad habits for you?
so what if i think of you each time i slip?
so what if i enjoy all my time with you?
so what if i think of you any time i'm with anybody else?
so what if i wonder if you think of me?
so what if i care about what you think?
so what if i talk about you in my blog?
so what if i tell all my friends about you?
so what if i smile to myself each time i think of you?
so what if i love you?

so what? so what now. what sick feelings they should be banned.
i dont give love, i get love. i dont keep love i kill love.

2008-01-10T23:31:00.000+08:00

oh look i'm so beautiful.
but how many shots did it take you to get that one perfect frame?

2008-01-07T17:25:00.000+08:00

our ending beginning.
trying to keep the words from falling out your mouth
because i do not know to appreciate words of love
so i'd go on and on and one day i'd find you missing
from all the talk i've taken and all the listen you've given
but thank you for loving, and the words i dont want to hear
when someone else wears the words you reserve from me today
i will not recognise them.

for there will always be a future, but not always a life to live it.

2008-01-07T05:17:00.001+08:00

alcohol, narcissism and pretty lies.
i live on the comforting belief that i am awake to the ugly truth, which is amusing, because i'm happy in that belief and happiness, is unawareness of the ugly truth. its like being drunk and sober at the same time, but we all know, when there is no certainty, there is no ugly truth for me to take comfort in.

2007-12-27T18:07:00.000+08:00

wind me up and watch me swirl around the mirror floor, and i will make you smile awhile but when the music stops my job is done and i fall back into the black of the trinket box, and there i wait for someone else to wind me up again.

2007-12-12T18:23:00.000+08:00

amaze me, sweep me off my feet, take me to fancy dinners and get me smitten over the many things you've done and are doing. describe to me the places you been, the fun you've had, the did-you-knows i've never heard of, and the philosophies you make up from the life you've experienced. what of rock and roll? vintage is fine, but jazz is better. and when the evening comes drive me up to one of the places you've described to me, and there we can watch the sun set, the stars appear, and have a bottle. there you can tell me more stories; you'll never get tired of talking about yourself, but i'll never get bored of listening. for once i'll have nothing to add, for once i'm impressed, for once i'd be falling for something so different, something happy and hopeful, not dark and violent.

but no, even as our eyes meet, all i think of is a time that belongs to yesterday.

2007-12-07T23:28:00.001+08:00

what the fuck are you doing michelle?
i need to hear it a little more. just once more, so i can remind myself how much shit i've been smearing myself in. take a step back, rewind, peer into the glass and get familiar. scars heal, but memories live on a long time.

2007-11-29T16:29:00.000+08:00

didnt want to lie about it. how could i tell you? yes it was an obvious lie. yes i wasnt good at it today. a thousand things came up when asked. bug bite, burn, cut, yes i snubbed a cigarette on it myself. its something i try to hide. from the people who belong to the brighter side of my life. sorry about it, i know you didnt buy it.

2007-11-11T15:22:00.000+08:00

it was then i realised hey, i could be enjoying myself.

2007-10-31T02:03:00.000+08:00

i dont owe you any explanation, time, effort, just because you expect it of me. i dont even like you. oh, this is too much, that is too little, my life sucks, i dont give a squat i dont want to hear it. move on. i dont need people like you in my life. you cant expect from me what you conveniently forget for me. you are, indescribable. you kick up some big fuck when its about you, and yes i try to please you and when it comes to me you, you judge me. while i'm a good friend you, my dear, are not. yes maybe it satisfies me that i'm a good friend to such a prick but hey, move on i got other pricks to please.

so move on, and find someone else who'd put up with your shit.

2007-10-01T03:31:00.000+08:00

i do not hurt; i am its cause. i can kill what i create.

from: truth and love.

2007-09-12T03:43:00.001+08:00

you're such an actor. you find the things that matter to you, immerse yourself in them, get them accustomed to you, and then, in the name of some kind of enlightenment convince yourself you're too good for them and spit them out.

you find the core of the apple and in there you dwell, long enough till its flesh grows around you and one day, you leave it. you tear your way through the muscles of the hearts you've grown into and you leave them, bleeding from an emptiness that was never there in the first place. you got yourself souvenirs: a handful of veins from these hearts and these you use like strings to puppets, tugging on them when you want them to remember, when you want them to wish they could make it up to you. you lie there, covered in the blood of others and you weep for the injustice done unto you.

that's just like you. you take the things that truly matter to you, destroy them from within, then blame them for taking truth and love from you. when you find the things you live for are no longer there, you mourn for the death of your meaning and get yourself drunk every day like you were the one that got ditched.

2007-08-27T01:26:00.000+08:00

- some support here?
i'll need you when i want to feel popular.
- we're short of one?
i'll need you when i'm missing a player.
- i could never do that
i'll need you when you've got something i dont.
- hi, late night?
i'll need you when no one talks to me.
- you free now?
i'll need you when no one's around.

anytime you need me, please leave me alone. you're kinda... not my kind. why the cold shoulder dude? i told you i'm a lousy friend.

i never thought you really meant that, dude.

how is michelle?

2007-08-24T00:46:00.000+08:00

i'm fine. i admit i drink a little more often than usual, and because i acknowledge i am fine. occasionally i consider getting really wasted so i can tap into some unknown emotion to set it free but i check my timetable and usually decide not to. usually. for the unusual times i call roy out for supper. roy, he is a good friend.

i havent been eating well, no. when i do i throw it up several hours later, but after some chocolate i'll be fine. it sounds like i'm in a mess but i think i've been cleaning up pretty well. i can take care of myself. i just get a little disgusted at my life and decisions once in a while.

its very easy to start feeling sad for myself when i'm in hall. alone in my room, and i hear people screaming outside, i look for someone to talk to, and i realise all these years i've been talking to no one. no one but you.

so if you see me drunk and alone in my own room, blame it on my incapability to be indifferent without the booze. it's just so easy to live that way.

after all its just a phase, and phases fade in time, and phases are all in the head.

2007-08-22T04:39:00.000+08:00

sometimes my eyes get so dry from the lenses. thank goodness i have you.

2007-08-08T07:44:00.000+08:00

So push the seats back a little further
Roll the windows down and take a breath
I can see the headlights coming
They paint the world in red and broken glass.

2007-04-28T15:09:00.000+08:00

time doesnt stop when you're in love
go on, go on, catch the last bus home
your time's up and you know it
go on home and when you sleep tonight
just forget about us.

2007-04-25T15:08:00.000+08:00

shut up. shut up. dont keep me from my life.

2007-03-18T20:16:00.000+08:00

i'm going for an interview at geylang lorong 41.
"GEYLANG? designers always OT and you shouldnt be there at night."

someone has a job for me. i'm meeting him at a restaurant.
"dont take the job, he wont pay you and you wont know where to find him."

so-and-so asked me to do a website for him.
"dont do it. him and i, we didnt have a good working relationship."

so-and-so does events. they called me down for an interview.
"events? they dont need designers and dont pay well."

if i introduce talents to so-and-so, he wants to pay me a referral fee.
"referral fee? your friends will hate you for taking their money."

i told so-and-so i wont take money for introducing talents for his clients.
"he'll swallow your part of the fee! why did you waste time introducing them?"

i got the job with so-and-so!
"the market is more than twice of what you charge. you've been cheated."

so-and-so thought my charges were too high.
"they're not that interested in you. why should you be interested in them?"

i had an interview with so-and-so. he's a plump botak guy.
"i dont trust fat botak men. they're perverted, especially from this industry."

i need money. i'm going out.
"why dont you get a job? the money i give you never appears again."

i cant work more than 6 months and you say freelancers always get cheated.
"you should go to starhub again. they paid you well the last time, huh?"

fuck lah. if i keep listening to you i'll be living in your house till i'm forty.
"."

or maybe i'll be sending starhub mail!

2007-03-09T14:40:00.000+08:00

why she keeps asking my boyfriend out.
it's not a "you're mine", or an "i'm jealous" or a "this is my turf"
well isnt it obvious he doesnt wanna go anywhere with you without me?
and isnt it just wrong to ask a friend's boyfriend out one-on-one?
i really dont mind, i just think it's odd you didnt get the hints.
and i really dont see the point why you need to be with him alone.
but i really dont wonder if he's gonna cheat on me, cuz it's him i trust.
and i really dont think you're on to him or whatever jealous girlfriends think.

it's just that i havent been the best companion and well, maybe he'll find more similarities with you than he has with me. maybe if you didnt agree with him so much when we hang out, i wouldnt be writing this post. maybe if you didnt flirt with him so much, i wouldnt be pissed off you asked him out. maybe if i was a better companion, i'd have no worries.

because though we're breaking up, we still have time together and it'll really suck for me if you had a better companion in mind. isnt it just wrong to think that.

2007-03-07T17:47:00.000+08:00

"i dont think you should tell others about your blog"
"what? you told so-and-so about your blog?"
"i didnt know so-and-so knew about your blog. you didnt tell me"
"you shouldnt tell others about your blog. you write about them!"

injustice has been done to my blog title. as if it matters to anyone.